ChuckleBucket.com’s 10 Comedians You Should and Must But Don’t But Will Know
By Tynan DeLong
These days, It seems like everyone’s putting out a “Top Comics to Watch” list, with everyone from Variety to New York Magazine to Sports Illustrated for Kids chiming in with their 2 sense. It’s great…
…but that tweet was brilliant satire of our culture. You hated it? Don’t watch TMZ. That’s all they do. Rip people to shreds. Don’t watch E! They attack like dogs. Are you enjoying the people attacking someone for wearing a not so good dress? Kudos. Feel good about yourself. That poor son of a…
1 – Mitt Romney promises to approve the Keystone XL pipeline. I’m 99% sure this is an oil thing, but there is a very small chance there’s just going to be a gigantic pipeline gushing terrible beer into Colorado or something. Most of the people you hate will move to Colorado.
2 – Mitt Romney promises to increase access to domestic energy resources, finally, the bleak tension between my dad and step-mom can be put to good use.
3 – Mitt Romney promises to give EVERY family access to great schools and quality teachers. If he holds true to his promise, maybe Sly and the Family Stone will finally learn how to properly spell “Thank You For Letting Me Be Myself”
4 – Mitt Romney promises to attract and retain the best and brightest from around the globe, like in The Expendables.
5 – Mitt Romney promises to open new markets for American goods and services – maybe one of them will be a Boston Market. Barack Obama has given me exactly zero creamed spinach.
6 – Mitt Romney says he’ll create a “Reagan Economic zone” to strengthen free enterprise around the world. The first Reagan Economic zone gave us the video game Contra, who knows what wonders this new iteration will produce.
7 – Mitt Romney says he will champion small business. I’m fairly certain this means a jousting match with Chinese president Hu Jintao.
8 – Mitt Romney says he’ll eliminate the Death Tax, this should unburden one of the Republican party’s favorite job creators. Death.
9 – Mitt Romney thinks marriage should be between one man and one woman. This discriminatory policy will lead to massive amounts of unfettered pain for gays and lesbians, which undoubtedly lead to even more great art from the gay communities.
10 – Once Mitt Romney defunds public broadcasting, there’s a chance Sesame Street will have to sell out and make Big Bird a playable character in the new Mortal Kombat game.
11 – Romney says he’ll work closely with Israel to maintain it’s strategic military edge, you know who else had a strategic edge, Rider Strong in Boy Meets World. This sounds promising.
12 – Mitt is a word for a big, floppy glove.
Just wanted to put some rumors to rest. Wait no. No. Wake up some rumors. I wanted to get them out of bed and scream at them. Just want to scream some rumors.